Navigating Post-Loss Holidays with Hope

By: Jason Phillips, Lifepoint Worthington

Growing up far from my extended family, I always looked forward to the final months of the year with eager anticipation. Of course, the season would be filled with a plethora of traditions, good food, and gift exchanges, but what I craved most was the prolonged time I’d have with my relatives. These memories primarily involve the sound of my grandparents' gravel driveway, chatting with them while I circled toys in Black Friday catalogs, late night giggling at cousin sleepovers, and enormous holiday meals—including countless Skittles sneaked from my grandma's ornate candy dish. 

My mom was a large part of these memories, too. She loved the holidays — researching deals to stretch her Christmas dollars, listening to her Harry Connick Jr. Christmas cassette tape, and finding meaningful ways to point my sister and me to Jesus. She was also the primary influence in cultivating this deep appreciation for my family and our traditions. So, when she died two weeks before Thanksgiving, it felt impossible to proceed with our annual holiday plans with any sort of normalcy, let alone joy. Deep down, I wondered, will the holidays ever be a source of joy again?

Inside these questions and my deep sense of nostalgia was a thick layer of grief – a love and appreciation for my holiday traditions mixed with the unwelcome reality that it won’t ever really be the same again. I am by no means a grief expert, but as I’ve examined my own relationship with the holidays since my mother’s passing, three key lessons stand out. 

Things Will Change

Grief is complex. You not only wrestle with the loss of your loved one, but the multitude of other losses, both big and small – some you might not even realize until you’re confronted with a surprising, unwelcome emotional response. This can be especially true during the holidays as you navigate changes to cherished traditions and evolving feelings about the season. Allow yourself to be present to your emotions as you grapple with these losses. Lean into them. Process them with your family and friends. But most importantly, take them to the Lord and lament the sadness, anger, and fear you’re experiencing. He loves and cares for you, and provides true healing and comfort. Things will change, but we have a God who never does.

There’s No Right Way to Holiday

Navigating the holidays after experiencing a loss is often complicated, encompassing a difficult blend of pain, cherished memories, and the challenge of establishing a new way forward. For some, it will be good, healthy, and stabilizing to continue to operate as normal, while finding ways to honor a missed loved one. For others, the loss will be too painful or too fresh to continue with traditions. Deciding to travel instead of host, scaling back, or doing something different entirely can be good and healthy, too. There is no right way to holiday. 

That first year, my family tried to operate as normally as possible, wanting to keep up with many of our established traditions. For Christmas, we had our usual brunch spread and kept our structured Christmas morning routine, honoring my mom with a toast of sparkling juice. In the years that followed, we’ve experimented and adjusted to meet the needs of our ever-changing family, while keeping the heart of those traditions alive. Though I no longer celebrate the holidays with my extended family (a reality that carries a touch of sadness), God has gifted me a deep joy in the ways I am honoring them and my mom through inherited traditions and creating new ones with my own kids.

So, as you plan, remember two things – 

1. Be honest with yourself and those you spend the holidays with about your feelings and apprehensions. Give yourself the time in prayer and reflection to determine what you’re ready for so you can decide with your family and friends how best to celebrate. Be careful not to be primarily guided by others' expectations. Take care of yourself. At the same time, be open to gentle suggestions from your support system. Sometimes, a loving community can provide the safe space we need to take a small step forward and the holidays can offer a much-needed sense of hope.

2. Be kind to yourself and others. You are human and have limitations. Just because you need to adjust your holiday plans one year, does not mean it always has to be that way. At the same time, recognize that grief timelines are unique. Give others in your family who are grieving the same patience you hope they’ll give you; their readiness to engage doesn't invalidate your own pace. Healing is a journey, not a destination!

Grieve with Hope

The holiday season is a time when we reflect and remember the ultimate reality of God’s love for us, made known in the coming of His Son, Jesus. The entire story of the Bible shows that God’s heart is to be with His people despite the sin that separates us. That is why God Himself entered our story as a baby born in humble circumstances—Immanuel, “God with Us.” Jesus lived a perfect life and revealed Himself to be the promised Messiah. He willingly went to the cross in our place and faced the deepest pain and loss on our behalf.

Three days later, He rose from the dead as our conquering King, declaring victory over death. His resurrection means that the losses and the hardships we face in this life do not get the final word. As believers, we can grieve with hope because of our reconciliation with God and life beyond the grave. Scripture further affirms this by promising that God is making all things new (Rev. 21:5), He will wipe every tear from our eye (Rev. 21:4), and that He will permanently make His dwelling place among His people as we are reunited with all the saints (Rev. 21:3).

As a realist who hates clichés, I do not say these things to minimize the reality of your pain or to simply offer platitudes that give a false sense of comfort. But if the gospel is true, then this holiday season you can have hope, because the story of “Immanuel” guarantees that even in your deepest pain, you are not alone. I pray that you will experience this hope not as a shield from your grief, but as the anchor that sustains you through your toughest end-of-year moments.