By: Diane Kukula, Breast Cancer Survivor
My cancer diagnosis came suddenly and unexpectedly. A doctor's appointment on Monday led to more appointments Tuesday. A Friday morning call confirmed the suspicion…cancer. With little time to process it, by mid morning Friday, my calendar was filling up with more tests, appointments, and scans. Life as a family was changing quickly and dramatically. We knew we had to talk to our four daughters, ages 6-12.
But how?
Our posture as parents is to protect, provide, and nurture our children. News of cancer is overwhelming to adults, let alone our children. I share below how we navigated this difficult time. I hope you find comfort and guidance in our story.
Be open and honest. Stick to the facts and keep it simple. We used the word ‘cancer’. We didn’t want them hearing it from others and not us. I didn’t minimize my diagnosis to an ‘illness or sickness’. I wasn’t sick. I wasn’t contagious. They couldn’t catch it. I had abnormal cells and we needed to take care of that with medicine (chemo), surgery and other treatments. Stay in the present and avoid the ‘what ifs?’. Anxiety lives in the future and the ‘unknowns’. God knows we are prone to fear and anxiety. He’s given us provision in His Word to combat it.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34)
2. Address their concerns. Expect questions... They may not be what you anticipate! They wanted to know if I’d be OK, but from a practical aspect…how does this affect them, our family? Regarding the immediate, how long would I be in the hospital, who would take care of them, where would they stay? Regarding ongoing appointments and chemotherapy, would I be sick, lose my hair? Who would get them to/from school, activities, extracurriculars? Looking further down the road, would we keep our vacations and summer plans? All good questions. Encourage them that while some things may change and be different, your love and care for them remains.
3. Keep the dialogue open. Most of our parenting; what we share, instill, and teach our children is an ongoing dialogue that is lived out together day-in-day-out versus a one time, sit down conversation. We see this principle in Scripture. Deuteronomy 6:6-7 says “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” To me, that’s a 24/7, ongoing, active outpouring of instruction to our children. Living it out before and with them! After your initial conversation, use this season as an opportunity. Invite them into your own walk, allow Him to use this in their lives as well as your own.
Be open and transparent as to what you know to be true, Who you know to be true, Jesus! Focus on, learn and share Who He is and what He says He will do. Pray with them and for them. Ask Him to use your current circumstances to draw them closer in relationship to Him. As you fix your eyes upon Him, Who He is, you will find comfort, hope, peace. The perfect peace that is His will for us.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.” (Isaiah 26:3)
The peace, comfort and hope that He desires for us can be a gift to your children as you walk this path together. He alone can and will provide for their needs and yours. Lead them to the Rock that is the steady, sure foundation, to the Rock that is higher than any other.
4. Involve them when appropriate. Allow them to come with you as age appropriate. We gave our daughters the option to come to my chemotherapy treatments. Instead of the big, scary ‘chemo’ vision in their minds, by coming with us, it dispelled preconceived thoughts. They experienced compassion, kindness and care from the medical team caring for me which made it less intimidating to them. The complimentary snacks didn’t hurt either!
5. Keep your children updated on your progress. Following my active treatment, check ups, tests and labs were ongoing for years. My transparency helped them feel included and reduced their anxiety about what was happening. It provided them with a sense of stability and reassurance.
6. Be open to support. Allow others to walk alongside you and your family that they may also experience His grace in your circumstances. The love and care you and your family receive from others can have a huge impact on your children.
Today our children have grown into amazing adults. By God’s grace, with humility, I can testify how He has used my cancer in their lives.
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